I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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