I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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