My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
are you so shy because you have an std?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
