I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
