Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
