eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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