Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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