so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Randomize
