When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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