I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
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