i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
try to milk me bitch
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