hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
