Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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