I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
