If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
