Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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