yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
