hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
