I think my fart just growled at me.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
