ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
