Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
