i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
