Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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