you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
