Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
