In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
