if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
