I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
