what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
