im about as happy as oj after his trial
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize