I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
