You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
