I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
