Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
