WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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