I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
