So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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