True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize