Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
