Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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