The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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