all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
