life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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