My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
