She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
