just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
