I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
