so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
