The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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