Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
