I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
