I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
