I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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