Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
