Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
try to milk me bitch
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