positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
