what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
