I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
