so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
