I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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