i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
