He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
