the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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