i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
